Madie:
artistic, aspiring architect, avid concert attendee, ballerina, christian, housewife material, imperfect, lawrence tech. student, movie fan, music addict, straight edge, tree hugger, unique, possibly unlike any other girl you've ever met, and so very much more...
It's Been A Long Time (Coming)
Well, I haven't written forever in my blog... I really miss writing in it more regularly but it seems with each year of my life that flies by I am becoming busier and busier and I am forced to take on more responsibilities. When college came around it was exciting being on my own but now that I've fallen into a situation where I am in need of money to merely eat and complete my architecture projects.
I have a job at the admissions office at school and I like it there... I just wish that we were open more so I could get more hours. My studio this semester is going really well. I'm working hard and trying to dedicate myself to my designs. Some of my other classes are a struggle but I know I'll get through them. And really the only thing that matters is putting a portfolio together and getting good enough grades to go to graduate school and study abroad. I have to raise my GPA from a 2.4 something to a 3.0 to study in France... I really want this. I'll keep working and push through this, even if I hate it sometimes, deep down I really love it and I know I'm meant to design.
I think that I've grow up, at least in my mind, probably not my actions, quite a bit. The world is falling into place, and yet it's falling apart at the same time. Everything is ridiculously complex and I know I can never wrap my brain around everything and things just won't work out they way they should or how I want, but oh well. I've become more laid back about some things, and others I've become a nazi about...
Such as harassing my current boyfriend about school. Don't get me wrong! He is such a wonderful guy and he brings joy to my life and I've learned a lot since meeting him, but he is very frustrating. I know he means well but things in his life have fallen to pieces and I am constantly forced to watch his world fall apart as he falls down the rabbit hole. He's confused about what he wants to do with his life but he is not being proactive about changing things. He speaks about suicide all to often and I am constantly worrying about him.
The worry from him is piling up on top of my very high mountain of my own personal worries that range from if my underwear, socks, and ponytail hairband matching the rest of my outfit to what my future will be like and how I'm affecting it now and everything in between and beyond.
I have so many thoughts on my mind and I just can't seem to get them out quick enough. Between the bickering with Kyle I've managed to only write a small portion of what is rushing around in my mind that is constructed like a merry-go-round, only it should really be called a "worry-go round".
One last thought... at least for now... I don't know if what I'm doing for him is right. I know that I don't always treat him the best, but nobody's perfect, but I also go out of my way for him far too many times. I did his laundry last semester, and now I clean his room at his apartment, among countless other things I do on a day-to-day basis. I know that he is dragging me down, it's bound to happen and it's not necessarily his fault. It just happens when someone is in a negative or awful mood or mindset. But is it worth it?
For the past few weeks I've turned into an even higher, unpredictable roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I've just started crying for reasons my brain doesn't even want to reveal to me. I don't know if this is due to my relationship but I feel like it is and I'd love it to stop. I have enough of my own problems going on and I'd like to keep my head above water.
But I can't let him go. I love him too much and care for him so deeply. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic (by the way he hates that I wear my heart on my sleeve) but I don't even care at this point. But the fights and the who knows what else has got to cease. Surrender. I'm trying so hard to surrender and not care so much and just let it go because I know I can't control his life, but I also can't let him fall. Or possibly I should let him fall. I believe I once heard a rehab specialist talk about "letting people fall to the bottom" before they can make their way out of the whole they've created. Maybe that's what I need to do... but that's scary and dangerous, and so very very painful for me. I don't want to watch him fall any farther. I feel like he's slipping away and I hate it, but maybe I am suppose to let go. I really can't bring myself to though. What should I do?
P.S. I want to go back to church so badly because I certainly miss my connection to God but I can't stand some of the people at Campus Crusade. And the churches around me are not like the ones I'm use to... and on top of that I'm shy and get extremely nervous in new places and around new people.
Gosh... here we go again...
Torn
I'm torn in about a million different directions. I have no relief and no rest. Where is true comfort? Where is God? Where am I?
Figuring Myself Out
I've been trying to figure myself out for the past few years some of the problems I think/know I have are the following...
anger
anxiety
depression
emotional breakdowns
excessive stress
inability to relax
lack of self-confidencelonelinessmental breakdowns
Obsessive Compulsive Dissorder
panic attacks
perfectionism
physical pain or issues (chronic back pain, knee pain, TMJ, headaches, twitching eye, etc)
I think that some of my problems such as anger & my breakdowns & panic attacks stem from stress & depression. People tell always me to relax but they do not understand that I have absolutely no idea how to relax. I don't understand how to change the bad qualities about myself and to some degree I don't think I can change them. I know that how I act effects others because I've seen it happen with my parents & boyfriends.
Recently I've been seeing a counselor at school but I haven't been going to her enough for her to begin to help me resolve my problems. She's still trying to figure me out. I also feel that she is focusing on the fact that my boyfriend excessively smokes pot. She always tells me I need to bring the issue to his attention, which I do/have, & that I need to try to help him. I'm trying but I know that he needs to want to make his life/himself better.
So right now this is my attempt to figure out what's really going on with me... I've been taking online evaluations that are linked with my school's counseling website.
STRESS
Stress Signals (colored text applies to me):
- Feelings: anxiety, irritability, fear, moodiness, embarrassment.
- Thoughts: self-criticism, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, forgetfulness, preoccupation with the future, repetitive thoughts, fear of failure.
- Behaviors: crying, increased or decreased appetite, "snapping" at friends, acting impulsively, alcohol or other drug use (including smoking), nervous laughter, teeth grinding or jaw clenching, stuttering or other speech difficulties, being more accident-prone.
- Physical: sleep disturbances, tight muscles, headaches, fatigue, cold or sweaty hands, back or neck problems, stomach distress, more colds and infections, rapid breathing, pounding heart, trembling, dry mouth.
Causes of Stress:These were taken off of a website & are the ones that I have. However, these are not the only causes of stress.- Serious argument with close friend
- Increase in course load or difficulty of courses
- Failed important course
- Change in living conditions
- Lower grades than expected
- Breakup of relationship
- Financial problems
- Change in eating habits
- Too many missed classes
- Argument with family member
- Roommate problems
Clearly I suffer from stress & I know where it comes from but I don't know how to deal with it. That's what I'd like to figure out... Got any ideas please let me know.
DEPRESSIONI took an online depression screening test through the NYU Medical Center.
My answers are the ones in blue.FOR MORE THAN TWO WEEKS:
1. Do you feel sad, blue, unhappy or "down in the dumps"?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
2. Do you feel tired, having little energy, unable to concentrate?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
3. Do you feel uneasy, restless or irritable?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
4. Do you have trouble sleeping or eating (too little or too much)?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
5. Do you feel that you are not enjoying the activities that you used to?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
6. Do you feel that you lost interest in sex or experiencing sexual difficulties?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
7. Do you feel that it takes you longer than before to make decisions or unable to concentrate?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
8. Do you feel inadequate, like a failure or that nobody likes you anymore?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
9. Do you feel guilty without a rational reason, or put yourself down?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
10. Do you feel that things always go or will go wrong no matter how hard you try?
- A. Never
- B. Rarely
- C. Sometimes
- D. Very Often
- E. Most of the time
My Results: Your answers show the presence of prominent deprssive symptoms. It is advised to seek a psychiatric consultation.
And there we have it... I've figured for awhile that I suffer from depression but I'm slightly afraid to be professionally assessed for it. I feel that I will automatically be put on anti-depressants and I really don't want to rely on a pill to make me happy. I know that I might come to that though.
I'm just not quite sure where to turn. It's past the point of my friends helping me. I'm afraid to talk to my parents too because I don't want to upset them or let them down. Nobody wants a child who is messed up, right?
I'm questioning architecture and I've been playing with the idea of doing graphic design or imaging for quite some time now. I still want to be an architect, but I want to be the designer. I am incapable of figuring out all the mathematical & structural aspects of a project. I'm completely torn & confused. I don't want to leave LTU because I'm finally developing some friendships & I don't' want to leave my sorority.
I need to do something. I need to figure out what is going on. I need to fix myself and I know that by doing that other things will fall into place. I'm afraid that if this keeps up my relationship with Kyle will fall and eventually nobody will want to put up with me. And I know that things will improve with my parents as well.
